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Stopping bad breath bart - humor

 

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk drenched in sardine nectar for a week. "

OK, so I can be a diminutive forthright every now and then. It's not a little I would say to Attila the Hun at some stage in a pre-battle pep rally. But it was not Attila the Hun continuance in front of me. It was just my buddy Bart.

"Pee-ew! You have bad breath. "

So when the phone rang that night, the last character I estimated to greet me in a cheerful voice was Bad Breath Bart. "Hey, Happy Guy. I'm affection great," he said. "Want to guess why?"

"You just won the gold medal for the ten-meter bomb toss?"

"Nope," he replied. "But credit for the tip. I'll start exercise for it tomorrow. "

"OK, I give up. Why do you feel so great?"

"Because I open an easy way to stop bad breath," he declared. "Want to guess how?"

"You bought a book on stopping bad breath and you are subsequent the instructions?"

"Sa-ay, that's a good idea," Bad Breath Bart said. "But that's not it. My plan is even simpler. I sheltered up my bad breath. "

"Bart, that won't work. Since Julius Caesar first invaded Paris and stated 'Veni Vidi Vino', citizens have been annoying to cover up their breath. But mint just is not biting enough. "

"Bingo!" he shouted. "Mint is too weak, so I found a bit stronger. Want to guess what?"

"You've been rinsing with five-week-old milk?"

"Nope. "

"You've open that scent is best taken internally?"

"Nope. "

"You downed a container of vanilla extract, mistaking it for beer?"

"Nope. "

This guessing game was bountiful me headaches and foot cramps. "I give up, Bart. What's your cloak-and-dagger to stopping bad breath?"

"Garlic," he declared.

"Garlic?"

"Garlic. Now insignificant person can smell my bad breath, as all they smell is garlic," he beamed.

"Garlic?"

"Of course, there are some side effects," Bad Breath Bart noted. "For instance, my pet tick has run away. And this morning I blew a kiss to my wife, and she slammed the door on my face. "

"Can I offer an alternative, Bart? A little that won't put your nose in a cast every time you get the enticing urge to blow at your wife?"

"Sure. "

"Try using some mouthwash with cetylpyridinium chloride in it. That all the time works for me. "

"Wow. That's a mouthful," Bad Breath Bart exclaimed.

I was glad to have at length given Bad Breath Bart a morsel that would in point of fact help him cure his problem. I did not anticipate the call I would accept the very next evening.

"Hey, Happy Guy. Credit for the tip," Bad Breath Bart said. "That cetlip. . . cettap. . . centapyr. . . That unpronounceable mouthwash ingredient is superb. "

"Excellent!" I was delighted that he had taken my guidance and that it was operational so well.

"Yeah. It certainly tastes great," he continued.

"Tastes great?"

"You bet. And so filling, too. "

Suddenly I felt an boding evil sensation final in. "What do you mean by 'filling'?"

"After charming that cetilp. . . cettep. . . certip. . . that unpronounceable concoction, I don't feel hungry anymore," he explained.

"Bart, what did you put in that concoction?"

"Oh, the usual - ten scoops of ice cream, a cup or two of milk, a bag of chocolate chips, half a banana, some corn flakes, a wombat's ear and the juice out of the maraschino pink jar," he responded.

"But that won't stop your bad breath. "

"Oops. I also added that cetip. . . cetpe. . . certilp. . . that unpronounceable ingredient," he added. "It sure tasted good. "

Just then, my wife entered the room. "Honey, I just made you one of your darling banana-strawberry milkshakes," she said with a smile.

I looked at the glass she sited in my hand. I looked at it from the top. I looked at it from the bottom. I looked all about it.

"What are you looking for," she asked.

I knew she would not consider me. "Chocolate chips and corn flakes. "

David Leonhardt is a freelance essayist in eastern Ontario. Read a longer adaptation about stopping Bad Breath Bart or get good for your health with some of his (David's, not Bart's) all-natural liquid vitamin supplements.


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